Beyond Survival - The Therapy Podcast with Katie McKenna

In this episode, I speak with Irish psychologist and author A.J. Cosgrave about her deeply personal book, If You Knew Me Would You Love Me? , and her experience of living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. DID is a condition that is often misunderstood, sensationalised, or reduced to the way it is portrayed in films and television. A.J.’s story offers something very different: an honest, thoughtful and remarkably accessible insight into what living with DID can actually look like. We talk about her own journey, the realities and challenges of living with dissociation, the process of integration and recovery, and the importance of approaching the condition — and the people who live with it — with empathy rather than fear or stigma. This conversation about identity, trauma, understanding ourselves and others, and ultimately learning to meet complexity with kindness and courage. Buy - 'If You Knew Me Would You Love Me? - click here Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

Guilt is a natural emotional response. It can tell us when we've done something that doesn't align with our values and prompt us to repair, take responsibility and make things right. But when guilt becomes excessive, it can become a heavy burden — creating an overwhelming sense of expectation and responsibility that isn't actually yours to carry. In this final episode of the FOG — Fear, Obligation and Guilt — I look at what happens when guilt becomes the driving force behind your decisions. You feel obligated to do something, and when you consider saying no, the guilt arrives before you've even made a decision. You assume you've done something wrong. You worry you've hurt someone. You feel guilty for having needs, setting boundaries, disappointing someone or even thinking about saying no. And so you give in. Not because you want to — but because the fear of feeling guilty becomes more powerful than your own wants, needs or judgement. If you grew up in an emotionally immature or emotionally abusive family, you may have learned to take responsibility for other people's feelings while questioning your own. In this episode, I explore why guilt can become so powerful, how it gets tangled up with obligation and people-pleasing, and how to recognise when guilt is giving you useful information — and when it's controlling your choices. Because feeling guilty doesn't always mean you've done something wrong. Sometimes, it simply means you're doing something differently. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

Why saying no can feel selfish, even when you're exhausted from putting everyone else first. If you grew up with an emotionally immature, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive parent, you may have learned early that other people's needs come before your own . That learned sense of obligation can follow you into adulthood — shaping your relationships, parenting, boundaries and decisions. And obligation and guilt often go hand in hand: you feel you should do something, and when you consider saying no, your inner critic tells you you're selfish, difficult or letting someone down. In this episode, I explore people-pleasing, guilt, obligation and the fear of conflict , and why you may find yourself over-explaining, justifying your needs or taking responsibility for other people's feelings. Because having a need doesn't make you selfish. And saying no doesn't make you a bad person. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

For anyone who experienced a childhood in which emotional safely or physical safety weren't consistent, stable and predictable, Fear, Obligation and Guilt — will be the dominant emotions controlling their behaviour and decision making. In this episode, I focus on Fear and how The FOG keeps adult children stuck in survival mode, and why fight, flight, freeze and fawn becomes our automatic responses. I look at what happens when these survival responses are still running the show in your adult relationships — from shutting down in the middle of an argument, to lashing out, giving in, apologising when you don't need to, or putting everyone else's needs before your own. Most importantly, I look at how to recognise these patterns in real time , rather than only understanding them intellectually or seeing them once the moment has passed. Because the goal isn't simply to understand why you react the way you do. It's learning that you have a choice now. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

What happens when you realise your relationship with your mother has been shaped by emotional parentification, enmeshment, and emotional abuse ? In this week’s letter, a 48-year-old woman shares how much of her identity and behaviour was shaped around managing her mother’s needs. After setting boundaries and working through childhood trauma in therapy, she begins to recognise the familiar cycle of guilt, gaslighting, victimhood, emotional manipulation, and rewriting history . Now she faces a question many adult children of toxic parents wrestle with: “Am I the cold, heartless bitch for not wanting to fly to her side and become her caregiver if she needs help?” This episode explores narcissistic mothers, emotionally immature parents, parentification, enmeshment, toxic family dynamics, boundaries, estrangement, caregiver guilt, and complicated grief —and offers reassurance to anyone who has spent a lifetime questioning whether protecting themselves makes them a bad person. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing – When Your Mother Won't Protect You "I always thought my mom was the softer, kind parent." "She would tell me to just ignore it, or apologise" After finally setting boundaries with her abusive stepfather, this weeks listener faces a painful new reality: her mother still refuses to acknowledge the harm she experienced and instead pressures her to forgive, reconnect, and keep the peace. As she struggles with guilt, grief, family exclusion, and the possibility of going low contact or no contact with her mother, she asks a deeply painful question: How do you navigate a relationship with a mother who didn't protect you—and how do you manage the guilt if you choose to walk away? This episode explores childhood emotional abuse, family trauma, maternal invalidation, toxic family dynamics, setting boundaries with parents, estrangement, guilt, and the difficult journey of healing from an abusive childhood . When Your Mother Won’t Protect You: Setting Boundaries After Childhood Abuse Book: If You Knew Me, Would You Love Me? Author: A.J. Cosgrave Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

How do I build and maintain a boundaried relationship with narcissistic parents? Or am I mad for even wanting to try? This week, a listener asks: What happens when the parents who hurt you are finally trying — but still fall back into the same old patterns? After years of being parentified, emotionally manipulated, and punished whenever she tried to assert her independence – this weeks listener went no contact and it gave her the space she needed to heal. She's learned to regulate herself, break old patterns, and show up differently in her own relationships and as a parent. But now comes the hard part. Her parents went to family therapy for 9 months – and the picture is mixed. She can now see the manipulation as it happens, rather than weeks later. There are signs of genuine effort, but the old patterns still emerge when they feel challenged or don't get what they want. In this episode, Ruth and I explore the complexities of reconnecting after estrangement, how to distinguish genuine change from attempts to regain access, and what it means to maintain boundaries when someone is making an effort but still isn't able to fully take accountability. We also explore neurodivergence, intergenerational trauma, parentification, and the difficult question at the heart of this letter: How do I build and maintain a boundaried relationship with narcissistic parents that includes my children? Watch this episode on YouTube Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

"I feel stupid for tolerating it for so long" This week's listener grew up in a narcissistic evangelical family where religion was used to justify fear, control and abuse. As the eldest child, she became a high-achiever, believing that self-sacrifice and obedience were the keys to love and acceptance. Decades later, after her sister disclosed childhood sexual abuse by their father, everything changed. Therapy, reporting her own abuse and finally leaving her own coercive and abusive marriage brought freedom—but also devastating loss when another sister chose to defend the perpetrator instead. Katie and Ruth explore why some siblings remain loyal to abusive parents. How narcissistic family systems operate like cults. And why so many survivors unknowingly repeat abusive patterns in adulthood. You're not alone — and this episode explains why. Watch 'Beyond Survival' on YouTube SERVE – My Lost Years At The Heart of Opus Dei – by Anne Marie Allen Uncultured – A memoir of growing up in a Cult – by Daniella Mestyanek Young MonteMader on Instagram - Platform on deconstructing Christian Nationalism Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

When you finally find the strength to go no contact with abusive parents, it can feel like the hardest decision you'll ever make. But what when of those parents becomes seriously ill? This week we hear from a listener who spent decades trying to make sense of life with a covertly narcissistic mother and an enabling father before choosing to protect herself and her own family through estrangement. Over time, things have quietened, but the attempts to provoke contact have never fully stopped. And then a brief letter arrives revealing her father's diagnosis, bringing with it an unexpected wave of grief, guilt and emotional conflict. Together, Ruth and I explore one of the most painful questions adult children of narcissistic families face: Does a parent's illness change anything? Are boundaries possible? Can you hold compassion for someone's suffering while still protecting yourself from further harm? If you've ever questioned your decision to remain no contact, worried that illness means you "should" go back, or struggled with the guilt that can surface when an abusive parent becomes vulnerable, this episode offers understanding, validation, and a compassionate framework for navigating one of the most emotionally complex situations adult survivors can face. www.callaghancounselling.ie Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

What happens when the behaviours that hurt you look similar to traits associated with autism or ADHD? Where is the line between someone struggling because they're neurodivergent and someone causing harm through narcissistic patterns? In this episode, we explore the important differences between intention, impact, empathy, accountability, and "own agenda" behaviour. We also talk about why understanding someone's neurodivergence doesn't require you to minimise your own experience or abandon the boundaries you've worked so hard to build. If you've ever found yourself questioning whether the person who hurt you was narcissistic, neurodivergent, or both, this conversation will help you bring more clarity to a topic that is often misunderstood. www.callaghancounselling.ie Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

For many children raised by narcissistic parents, their body becomes another battleground where they learn that who they are is never quite acceptable. Too thin? There's a problem. Too heavy? There's a problem. Trying to improve yourself? That's a problem too. " I always felt that I disappointed my parents and they didn't like me." " I always went from chunky to super skinny and kept moving back and forth with my weight." " As an adult now, I'm an emotional eater. Food is my comfort." " I don't drink or use any substances but when it comes to eating I just struggle." " When I feel even a bit hungry I start to panic like the food will not be there later." If you've spent years blaming yourself for emotional eating, binge eating, constantly thinking about food, or feeling out of control around eating, this episode may help you understand something important: What if your relationship with food isn't really about food at all? Many adult children of narcissistic, emotionally immature, or dysfunctional parents grow up believing they have a lack of willpower. They tell themselves they're lazy, undisciplined, or simply incapable of maintaining healthy habits. But often, what looks like a food problem is actually a nervous system problem. In this week's episode Dr. Ruth Callaghan and I, dive deep into this weeks letter of a listener of growing up with a narcissistic mother, an enabling father, family alcoholism, religious dysfunction, and a childhood where food became tangled up with love, safety, criticism, and survival. Watch 'Beyond Survival' on YouTube www.Bodywhys.ie Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

In this episode, Katie & Ruth hear from a listener in the "raw stages of estrangement" – navigating the grief, fear, and disorientation that can come when the reality of a dysfunctional family system finally comes into focus. After years of minimising and carrying the impact of her father's emotional abuse, aggression, and physical violence – everything changed when that same behaviour was directed towards their young child. Faced with a choice between protecting family relationships or protecting her child – she chose to break a cycle that had been running for generations. If you're currently navigating the painful early stages of estrangement, or questioning whether you're doing the right thing by choosing distance from harmful family dynamics, this conversation offers validation, understanding, and a reminder that protecting your children often begins with protecting yourself. Watch 'Beyond Survival' on YouTube Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

What happens when the parent who always refused accountability finally agrees to therapy? In this episode, Ruth and Katie explore the complex realities of dysfunctional family systems, the difference between reconciliation and repair, the risks and potential benefits of family therapy with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, and we delve deep into the pressure many adult children face to "keep the peace" from extended family – at the expense of their own wellbeing. If you've ever wondered whether attending one final conversation is an act of self-respect or self-betrayal, this episode is for you. Watch 'Beyond Survival' on YouTube Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

"Do as I say and you can stay. Piss me off and you are out." That was the message our listener received throughout her childhood. In this powerful letter, she reflects on growing up with a mother who repeatedly used the threat of abandonment to maintain control — leaving her with severe anxiety, a deep fear of rejection, and the sense that love could be withdrawn at any moment. Now a parent herself, she finds herself facing a different challenge. As she sets boundaries to protect her children, her mother accuses her of being angry, difficult to love, and responsible for breaking up the family. At the same time, she appears increasingly focused on building relationships with her grandchildren while refusing to address the hurt in her relationship with her daughter. In this episode, we explore abandonment as a form of narcissistic abuse, the impact of growing up with conditional love, and why protecting your children can sometimes bring old family dynamics into sharp focus. We also discuss the grief of accepting that some parents are more invested in access than accountability — and what healing can look like when repair isn't possible. Watch Beyond Survival on YouTube Contact Dr. Ruth Callaghan: www.callaghancounselling.ie Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

In this week episode, I’m joined by Michelle from ADAPT Domestic Abuse Services for a vital conversation about domestic abuse and coercive control: How it can look in real life Why it can be so hard to recognise when you’re inside it and what support can make possible. Michelle brings years of frontline experience supporting women experiencing domestic abuse through outreach, education, family law court support, and recovery groups across Limerick. Together, we talk about the patterns of coercive control, the impact abuse can have on your sense of self and safety, and some of the reasons people can feel trapped, confused, or unable to name what’s happening. This episode is for anyone wanting a clearer picture of how coercive control works behind closed doors. We also explore the importance of community awareness and the role support can play in helping someone move from survival toward safety and recovery. www.adaptservices.ie Phone ADAPT - 1 800 200 504 Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I overreacting, or was that not okay?” — this episode is for you. For many survivors of narcissistic abuse, the question “Can I trust my own perception?” sits quietly at the centre of healing — shaping how you think, feel, and relate to yourself and others. In this episode, I shift the focus away from analysing the narcissist and bring it back to you — your internal world. Because while understanding the abuse is essential, staying stuck in that analysis can keep you disconnected from the very thing that was taken from you: trust in yourself. In this solo episode, I talk about 4 ways your body and nervous system send you signals: chronic confusion, the “ick,” the physical sensation of feeling small or put down, and the urge to fawn or appease. This episode is an invitation to begin moving your internal compass back where it belongs — inside you. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

In this solo episode, I dive deep into the fear so many people carry after narcissistic abuse: Is it me – Am I The problem? When you’ve spent years being blamed, criticised, or made responsible for someone else’s behaviour, it’s so common to question yourself deeply. But there’s a huge difference between being human and being narcissistic. In this episode I'll explore how many survivors swing the pendulum completely the other way — becoming so afraid of being selfish, demanding, or “too much” that they stop taking up space altogether. They struggle to say no, change their mind, express needs, or even protest hurtful sarcasm because they fear centring themselves in the way the narcissist did. This episode is about reclaiming healthy space. Learning that you are allowed to have boundaries, opinions, needs, and limits without it making you narcissistic. You have the right to say no, to change your mind, to speak up when something hurts, and to exist fully in your relationships — not through dominance & control, but through self-respect and emotional health. Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

ADHD is something many people have heard of. You may know someone who has been diagnosed. You may already have a diagnosis, or maybe you’ve quietly wondered if it could explain parts of your life that have always felt harder than they should. For a lot of people, the story sounds like this: “This is just me. I’m scattered. I’m forgetful. I start things and don’t finish them. I’m bad at routines.” And over time, those patterns can become identity. In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Sarah Carthy , who specialises in ADHD, to unpack what ADHD can actually look like in real life — especially in girls and women, where it so often goes unseen and misunderstood. Because ADHD doesn’t always look like the stereotype. It can look like being high-functioning on the outside but overwhelmed on the inside. It can look like chronic procrastination, emotional intensity, people-pleasing, or burnout. It can look like constantly trying to “keep up” with a world that feels just slightly out of sync with how your brain works. And for many women, it goes undiagnosed for years. Instead, it gets labelled as anxiety. Or sensitivity. Or “just the way you are.” In this conversation, we explore: The different ways ADHD presents, particularly beyond the hyperactive stereotype Why so many girls and women are missed or misdiagnosed The emotional impact of living without answers How ADHD can shape self-worth, relationships, and daily functioning I also share my own personal journey with ADHD — what led me to explore it, what shifted when I began to understand it, and my experience with medication. Because this isn’t just about diagnosis. It’s about knowledge. It’s about context. It’s about recognising that some of the things you’ve been blaming yourself for, have never been character flaws to begin with. Dr Sarah Carthy: www .adhddoc. ie www.irelandadhd.ie Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

Adult children of narcissists parents often struggle to name what happened to them. In this episode, I’m joined again by Dr. Rachna Buxani , and we’re exploring the different faces of narcissism — and why it can be so hard to recognise. While many people can spot the grandiose narcissist — the constant need to be the centre of attention, the arrogance, the lack of empathy — it’s the other, quieter forms of narcissism, that often go unnoticed and can be most confusing. In this episode we explore more covert (or vulnerable) narcissism—the “poor me” dynamic, where someone positions themselves as the victim, appearing sensitive or misunderstood, while quietly centring everything around their own needs. This can show up as guilt-tripping, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling and blame-shifting that leaves you feeling responsible for their pain. We also look at communal narcissism — where the narcissist is widely seen as generous and selfless. They can be deeply admired in their community, yet behind closed doors it's a complexity different story. There is a constant need for admiration, validation and control. This makes the relationship confusing and one-sided — and you doubt yourself, especially when your experience doesn’t match how the world sees them. This conversation about making sense of what you’ve lived through — so you can begin to rebuild self-trust, set boundaries, and reconnect with your voice. Unseen - A Therapist's Reflection on a Daughter's Journey Through a Narcissistic Father's Shadow Dr. Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast

Becoming a mother is often spoken about as a time of softness. A time where a mother is held, supported, celebrated. Where care naturally gathers around her. But for many adult children of narcissistic parents, pregnancy and having their own children can feel like the exact opposite. Instead of support, there can be intrusion. Instead of care, there can be control. Instead of being seen, there can be a sudden and overwhelming sense of being claimed. In this week’s episode of Beyond Survival – The Therapy Podcast , I’m joined by Kristin Morgan, who brings over a decade of experience in maternal mental health and reproductive psychology. Together, we explore the emotional complexity that can arise when an adult child steps into motherhood while still navigating a relationship with a narcissistic parent. Because for many, pregnancy doesn’t just mark the beginning of a new life — it marks the re-emergence of old patterns. Contact Kristin: www.morgancounsel.com Take The Quiz – What is Your Number? BEYOND SURVIVAL - The Therapy Podcast