G.I.A. Guild of Inept Adventurers

The party arrive in Rhosgobel ahead of the long-awaited Folkmoot, but there’s little time to relax. The Lonely catches up with an old friend and begins investigating the mysterious fifth house, while Haldir does some digging of his own. Arminas, meanwhile, makes a disturbing discovery about their new horses. The mysterious “EM” brand marks it as a horse of Rohan. The Lonely is forced to confront the possibility that his bargain may have been slightly less legitimate than he initially thought. His proposed solution involves changing the horses’ “VIN numbers” or, failing that, selling them for parts. With no concrete evidence of foul play, the party take their positions around the Folkmoot and prepare for trouble. And trouble arrives. A dozen armed riders enter Rhosgobel, wearing the same armour as the men who pursued Beren. At their head is Mogdread. Back from Dol Guldur, he demands tribute from the halls and a seat on the council. The party watch as the assembled leaders debate his demands, with Beren there to face the man who once pursued him. Mogdread is denied. He and his riders leave Rhosgobel, but the threat is now out in the open. With the Folkmoot concluded, the party seek counsel from Radagast, who gives them their next task: seek out Lady Irime to uncover more about the evil spreading across the land. Radagast will seek counsel of his own. From Gandalf. Whatever is happening in Middle-earth, it seems the party have just become considerably more important players than they ever intended to be.

Winter approaches, and the party enter a Fellowship phase, leaving Rhosgobel behind and returning to Beorn’s house. With the mysterious fifth house seeking entry into the Woodsman Federation and orcs gathering at Fenbridge, the party can’t shake the feeling that the two may be connected. The Lonely spends the winter learning the secret language of dogs from Beorn, while Arminas explores the surrounding lands. Bungo, meanwhile, enjoys a peaceful winter at the Easterly Inn before eventually returning to the group. Spring arrives, and the party set off for the Folkmoot with three of Beorn’s representatives. Along the road they discover orc tracks, suspicious traders and a rather questionable horse deal. The Lonely even fashions himself some portable shrubbery in an attempt to spy on the passing Leofrings. The party eventually acquire two horses, one bearing the mysterious brand “EM”. Haldir suggests naming it Emma. Whether Emma was stolen, suspiciously acquired or simply the worst horse deal in Middle-earth remains to be seen. The party finally arrive at Rhosgobel, just one day before the Folkmoot. And with tensions rising, something tells them their quiet winter is well and truly over.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. With the creature loose somewhere on the university campus, Lucy and Alan race against time to find a way of stopping it before it can infect even more students. Their plan involves a golf buggy, a CO₂ fire extinguisher, flammable aerosol, a strategically disabled power supply and, naturally, blowing up a car to create a giant source of heat. What could possibly go wrong? As two infected students emerge from the dormitory, Lucy puts her foot down and the agents find themselves fighting for their lives in one of the most ridiculous vehicle pursuits in Delta Green history. But stopping two infected hosts may already be too late… With the infection spreading through the dormitory, the team are forced to make an impossible decision: save who they can, destroy the infected, and hope the cavalry arrives before the situation gets any worse. Fire, ice, insanity, a helicopter extraction and some extremely questionable recovery methods follow as the surviving agents finally escape LaFontaine. But their ordeal isn’t over. Because Mrs. Green has something unexpected waiting for them: a spell. And judging by what lies ahead, involving the mysterious King in Yellow, they’re probably going to need it.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. With Dr. Winkle incapacitated following his deeply traumatic encounter with Skip, Lucy and Vikram are left to investigate one of the remaining heated buildings in LaFontaine. What they find is worse than expected. A smashed-in basement, blood covering the walls, and a bloated corpse whose stomach is still moving. Naturally, Vikram’s solution is to attack it with an ice pick. This goes about as well as you’d expect. As a horrific creature bursts free, Vikram finds himself becoming the latest victim of its grotesque proboscis, leaving Lucy to face the monster alone. With the team rapidly running out of functional members, Lucy calls Mrs. Green for help and races back to retrieve Dr. Winkle. Unfortunately, Dr. Winkle appears to be developing some… unusual side effects. Together they head towards the university, where a building full of unsuspecting students may be in danger, Dr. Winkle struggles to control his increasingly bizarre urges, and one particularly attractive Buick threatens to derail the investigation entirely. The monster is loose. The heat is on. And apparently, so is Dr. Winkle.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. The investigation into LaFontaine continues as the team delve deeper into Agent Skip’s Green Box, uncovering disturbing evidence of previous Delta Green operations, forbidden knowledge, and one particularly worrying ammo box that appears to have been opened. As questions mount, the agents begin following Skip’s final movements around LaFontaine, leading them to one of the town’s more… unconventional establishments. Unfortunately, the owner of The Awakened Nipple proves to be about as helpful as he is unsettling. With the temperature dropping outside, another mystery begins to emerge. A bizarre death in the snow, powered buildings scattered across town, and the unsettling realisation that whatever escaped from the Green Box may be drawn to one thing. Heat. Following the trail finally leads the team to Skip’s house. Inside, they discover a home consumed by unbearable heat, walls plastered with magazines, and a smell that no amount of fresh air could ever fix. What they find upstairs is horrifying. What they find downstairs is even worse. As Dr. Winkle comes face to face with the missing agent, the investigation descends into body horror, panic and impossible choices. With the team split, bullets flying and something truly unnatural refusing to let go, survival suddenly becomes far more important than finding answers. Sometimes the truth really is hard to swallow.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. Following the aftermath of Meadowbrook, the team welcome a new agent into the fold before receiving what sounds like the easiest Delta Green assignment imaginable. Travel to the frozen town of Lafontaine under the cover of a FEMA inspection. Meet the caretaker of Green Box 0171. Take stock of its contents. Report back. Job done. Simple. Except the power is failing, communications are down, the caretaker has vanished, and the town is gripped by an unnatural cold that nobody can explain. As the agents begin piecing together Skip Mills’ final movements, they uncover increasingly unsettling clues: disturbing browser history, strange CCTV footage, and a Green Box filled with the sort of objects that raise far more questions than answers. But perhaps the most unnerving discovery of all is a dossier cataloguing people’s hands… including those of the agents themselves. Who’s been watching them? Why has the temperature collapsed? Where did that accent come from? And just what is waiting beneath the snow?

The G.I.A. finally discover what has been lurking beneath the docks. And it isn’t a fish. When two guards investigate rumours of the party’s mysterious fishing competition, they’re unceremoniously thrown into the water as bait. Their screams reveal the truth: a small, tentacled horror has been hiding beneath the town. Darvin responds by throwing his entire fishing rod into the water. Blud manages to spear Olgrim. Eventually, the party abandon fishing altogether and resort to the tried-and-tested method of hitting things with weapons. Beneath the dock they discover an ancient flooded dwarven chamber, complete with an elaborate water puzzle which somehow falls victim to the combined intelligence of the G.I.A. But draining the chamber reveals something considerably worse. A huge tentacled creature, cultists and their captain await them, and a bloody battle follows. With the monster slain and the captain refusing to talk, the party discover something far more disturbing beneath the ruins: mysterious obelisks, more of the strange white powder and unmistakable Trade Office markings. The summoning circle is destroyed and the entrance sealed. But one thing is now painfully clear. The Trade Office isn’t just involved in Gallowmere’s problems. They’re building something. And whatever it is, it certainly isn’t a fishing boat.

Gallowmere is beginning to prosper again, but there’s still trouble down at the docks. Goods are disappearing, nobody wants to work and rumours of something lurking beneath the water have sent the dockworkers running for the hills. The G.I.A. investigate, with Darvin delivering an official HR pep talk to the terrified dockworkers before the party decide to lure whatever is hiding below into the open. Unfortunately, none of them know the first thing about fishing. After making peace with the previously offended blacksmith, the party acquire some fishing equipment and hatch a plan involving a fishing tournament, the town bell and a very stealthy raccoon. Olgrim’s attempt to sneak beneath the Trade Office goes spectacularly wrong when an anti-magic field drops him into the river and leaves him standing there as a very wet and confused dwarf. With the town placed under curfew and the bell ringing out across Gallowmere, the party retreat to the docks to wait for nightfall. Whatever is lurking beneath them is about to discover that the G.I.A. have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. But they do have fishing rods.

The party finally arrive at Rhosgobel, where they’re greeted by a beautiful woodland settlement, friendly faces and some much-needed healing. After their recent adventures, a little rest is very welcome indeed. The companions meet with the council and finally have a chance to share everything they’ve uncovered: strange orcs from the Misty Mountains, the mysterious Valtir, a talking head, a horribly corrupted rabbit and the armed group pursuing Beren. As the pieces begin to come together, a worrying picture emerges. Orcs are gathering at Castle Fenbridge, north of Dol Guldur, and with the Spring Folkmoot approaching, the leaders of the region could be walking straight into danger. Once Beren recovers, he shares what little he knows about Mogdread and his plans. But it is their meeting with Radagast the Brown that leaves the party with perhaps the most troubling information yet. The corruption they found in the forest may be connected to something ancient and evil, while the Necromancer’s influence and the growing orc presence continue to spread. Radagast believes the party should seek the counsel of someone far wiser than himself. An elf. A name is given. Lady Irime. And suddenly, the party’s little investigation has become something considerably more concerning..

The journey to Rhosgobel takes an unexpected turn when the party encounter a wounded traveller fleeing from the woods. He’s been bitten by a spider, but whatever is chasing him isn’t quite what they expected. Three armed men emerge from the trees, led by the mysterious and formidable woman called Dagmar, demanding the return of something their victim has stolen. With Beren barely clinging to life, Haldir attempts some delicate diplomacy while The Lonely takes the slightly less diplomatic approach of hiding the stolen map down his pants. A tense agreement sees the two groups travel together towards Rhosgobel, though neither side trusts the other. Their mysterious leader reveals she works for a man called Mogdread, but offers little else before the groups eventually part ways. It isn’t long before the party discover they’ve been followed. With Beren still in their care, the companions find themselves ambushed by the gang’s remaining men and vicious dogs. The Lonely takes a beating, but the party manage to fight their way through and make a hasty retreat towards Rhosgobel. Fortunately, there’s still one obstacle that brings them safety. The Brown Hay. An impenetrable magical barrier surrounds Rhosgobel, so The Lonely and Haldir use Beren as a seesaw. And a picnic table. At this point, the dignity of the fellowship has officially left the building.

Whilst Harry commissions perhaps the most discreet firearm in Weird West history, the rest of the gang head to Denver’s magnificent Union Station, only to witness a mysterious man known only as Mr. Cogs sprinting through the streets. Moments later, an enormous mechanical spider erupts from beneath the city and begins laying waste to Denver, showering buildings with acid and sending thousands fleeing for their lives. Naturally, Philippe’s solution is dynamite. As elite X-Squad enforcers attempt to contain the disaster, Philippe decides to “help”, with predictably catastrophic consequences. Separated from the rest of the posse and riddled with Gatling gun fire, he pays a terrible price for his enthusiasm. Meanwhile, Red and Ruby decide a quiet drink sounds preferable to battling giant mechanical spiders… …and Harry does what Harry does best. Runs. As Denver burns, the posse uncover the true architect behind the attack, but some secrets are lost forever beneath the rubble. Returning to the cattle drive battered, bruised and one arm lighter, Sutter surprises the posse with unexpected news. The herd has grown, new hands are arriving, and the drive north is back on. But amongst the new faces is a curious stranger with an unusual interest in Roswell. And just when the posse think they’ve seen the last of the past… A familiar face returns from the dead.

The posse meet the mysterious Hattie Lawton—a woman who somehow knows far more about them than she really should—the gang are offered a simple job: investigate some strange disturbances beneath the Land Basin Office and, if possible, deal with them discreetly. Naturally, that discretion lasts all of five minutes. What begins as a routine investigation soon uncovers a nest of tunnelling critters running wild beneath the city. Thankfully, Philippe has a plan. With one bizarre adventure behind them, the gang settle in for a relaxing evening at Denver’s finest hotel. Unfortunately, midnight has other plans. Ghostly gunfights, terrified cowboys, flying furniture, one spectacularly ill-timed heart attack, and perhaps the least dignified piano incident in Weird West history leave the posse wondering if Denver might be trying to kill them after all. And just when they think things can’t possibly get worse… Philippe receives word that someone is actually willing to build his latest invention. May whatever higher powers still care about humanity have mercy on us all.

The road south proves anything but peaceful as the companions are ambushed by a band of orcs lurking amongst the trees. With arrows flying and spears finding their mark, the party soon gain the upper hand, but something about these attackers doesn’t sit right. They aren’t Mirkwood orcs at all. They’re from the Misty Mountains. What they’re doing this far south is anybody’s guess. After leaving a rather pointed warning for any would-be raiders, the company presses onwards, only for an uneasy night and a grim discovery the following morning to raise even more questions. A rabbit, dead without explanation, its body twisted by a strange corruption, suggests something sinister is spreading through the forest. Knowing they’re out of answers, the companions continue to Woodland Hall to report everything they’ve uncovered. There are reunions, council meetings and welcome hospitality before the journey continues once more, this time by river towards Rhosgobel. Arminas dreams of fresh fish. The Lonely… catches fresh disappointment.

Back at Beorn’s Hall, the fate of Oderick finally hangs in the balance as the trial begins. With the party presenting everything they’ve uncovered on their journey, Beorn must decide whether justice lies in punishment… or mercy. With the verdict delivered and old debts settled, the adventurers find themselves with an unexpected ally in the mighty skin-changer himself. Beorn even extends a remarkable offer to The Lonely: stay a while, and he’ll teach him to understand Lurch, opening the door to conversations with his faithful hound. Sadly, there isn’t time for lessons just yet. The road calls once more. Armed with Farran’s head, troubling news for Radagast the Brown, and the growing threat of Valtir’s talking head-schemes, the companions head south towards Woodland Hall. As night falls and camp is made beneath the trees, the journey continues… though somehow carrying a severed head is beginning to feel surprisingly normal.

The waiting is over. As Valtir’s bandit army reaches the Old Ford, Beorn’s carefully prepared ambush is sprung. Arrows darken the sky, shield walls clash, and the company find themselves fighting for the future of Stonyford. While Arminas rains death from afar and The Lonely carves a bloody path through the enemy ranks, Haldir pays a heavy price for holding the line. Just when the battle threatens to turn, an unlikely hero steps into the breach, proving that first impressions can be very, very misleading. And then… Beorn unleashes his secret weapon. With the bandits defeated and Valtir slain, the victory should be complete. Instead, a grisly discovery on the fallen warlord hints that a far darker power has been pulling the strings all along. When the cursed relic is destroyed, Haldir hears a chilling message from beyond… “This is not the end… but the beginning.” With questions mounting and an ancient evil stirring, Beorn offers only one course of action. Seek the legendary wizard… Radagast the Brown.

With news of Valtir’s growing bandit army spreading across the Vales, there isn’t a moment to lose. While Bungo races ahead to warn the people of Stonyford, the rest of the company force-march to Beorn’s Hall with Oderick in tow, hoping to convince the mighty Beorn that the threat is real. As warriors are rallied and alliances forged, unsettling questions remain. Is Valtir truly being guided by some unseen spirit… or is something far darker at work? With Beorn’s host assembled, the company rides to the Old Ford, where a carefully laid ambush could turn the tide before the battle has even begun. Assuming, of course, they’re waiting in the right place. As the long night drags on, nerves begin to fray. Scouts fail to return, Arminas attempts to listen to the very earth itself… and the earth responds with a resounding silence. By dawn, however, the waiting is over. The bandits are coming. The trap is set. And somewhere behind Beorn’s battle line waits a secret weapon that could change everything.

The Guild’s descent into the ancient dwarven tunnels continues… and so does their questionable decision-making. Deep beneath Gallowmere, Gerhard discovers a sinister cult attempting to summon a terrifying spiked monstrosity through a portal. The plan is simple: sneak in, strike first, save the day. Unfortunately, Darvin is still wearing a glowing forehead. One failed stealth attempt, one immovable obelisk, and one very angry ball of spikes later, the Guild find themselves in a fight they’d very much rather have avoided. With the Dice Gods apparently taking the evening off, things go from bad to considerably worse before the cult is finally defeated. But victory reveals a far bigger problem. Hidden beneath Gallowmere lies a sprawling network of smuggling tunnels, evidence of a conspiracy reaching far beyond a few rogue cultists, and plans for permanent portals capable of unleashing demons into the world. At least someone appreciates the Guild’s efforts. The grateful ghost of Brockdor rewards Olgrim with a magical tattoo, proving that occasionally—even for the Guild of Inept Adventurers—doing everything wrong somehow ends up right.

With three fresh leads on the table, the Guild do what any sensible adventuring party would do… ignore at least two of them. Following up on a druid’s concerns, our heroes head into some long-forgotten dwarven ruins in search of suspicious tunnels that may—or may not—be linked to Gallowmere’s smuggling problem. Instead they find vandalised statues, a haunted forge, an offended dwarven ghost, and a promise of riches if they can stop whoever’s been trashing the place. Things take a turn for the exceptionally inept when Blud turns Darvin into a walking torch, Darvin immediately rewards everyone’s confidence by pulling every mysterious lever at once, and the party spends an alarming amount of time being thoroughly outwitted by what is, in hindsight, just a lift. As the ancient platform descends into the darkness below, strange red-glowing obelisks emerge from the shadows… along with the unmistakable sound of something moving in the dark. The Guild have finally reached the bottom. Whether that’s the dungeon… or their luck… remains to be seen.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. The investigation into 1206 Spooner Avenue reaches its horrifying conclusion. Armed with occult knowledge, mysterious antiques and a parapsychologist, the team finally enter the house itself. They probably should have stayed outside. Every room hides a new nightmare. Ghostly apparitions, unnatural sounds, disturbing visions and a growing sense that the house is actively attacking their minds. Lucy finds herself compelled to drink months-old mouldy coffee. Alan hears gunshots that never happened. Alastair sees things lurking in mirrors, and begins to believe the most sensible course of action is to shoot the house. Unfortunately, he doesn’t stop there. As the investigation spirals into chaos, the agents are forced to flee the scene with Elizabeth in tow, leaving behind a burning house, a dead parapsychologist and one very unstable team member. But the nightmare is not over. The diary they recovered reveals the truth behind the Dark Man and the ritual needed to banish him. There is only one problem. The ritual requires a human sacrifice. With Elizabeth unconscious and conveniently available, the team are faced with an impossible moral decision. But Delta Green always has another plan. And Mrs. Green has already decided who must pay the price. Blood, madness, razor blades and betrayal await in the shocking finale of Operation Iago.

⚠️ Content Warning: This episode contains strong language and dark themes, including references to violence involving children, graphic crime scenes, and ritualistic murder. Listener discretion is strongly advised. The investigation into 1206 Spooner Avenue continues, and the team finally gain access to the full contents of Agent Donnelly's Green Box. Inside they find notebooks, weapons, supplies... and a coffin. A child's coffin. While Lucy studies Donnelly's notes, Dr. Graham decides to inspect the grim discovery, and the team soon uncover a disturbing link between the stolen remains and the long history of tragedies surrounding the house. Determined to set at least one thing right, the agents embark on an unusual side mission: returning the young boy to his proper resting place. Unfortunately, the dead rarely stay buried in Delta Green investigations. As the team continue digging into the town's history, they encounter sceptical coroners, helpful clerks, suspicious antiques, and a parapsychologist who seems to know far more than he should. Most unsettling of all are the objects recovered from the house itself. A side table conceals a hidden compartment containing a diary and ritual artefacts. The piano remains stubbornly ordinary. But the antique wardrobe proves far more troubling. Because when Dr. Graham climbs inside... Something whispers back. With strange symbols emerging, old diaries resurfacing, and the supernatural becoming increasingly difficult to ignore, the agents finally receive a name connected to the horrors of Spooner Avenue. Nyarlathotep. And suddenly the mystery becomes far larger than a haunted house.