Eleanor & Alasdair Read That

No aspiring orphan should be without a copy of Gertrude Chandler Warner's 1924 classic, The Boxcar Children. Her bafflingly successful mystery adventures were a huge part of ABK's childhood. But what will Eleanor make of these candy-sweet tramps and their highly-idealised life on the run? Content Warning: Like edgy comedian Ricky Gervais, we do not censor this whimsical kid-lit podcast. Please don't play it to your children unless you're a cool parent who lets them swear and stuff.

They're soft, they're white, they're somewhere between cute and creepy — it's Eleanor and Alasdair. And for this episode, we read Tove Jansson's 1946 adventure Comet In Moominland (Kometjakten) translated by Elizabeth Portch. We ask, what does it feel like to touch a Moomintroll? How do you pronounce Tove? And is there any better response to environmental catastrophe than baking a cake? Support Eleanor & Alasdair by buying us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

Here are Eleanor and Alasdair, coming down the stairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head. That's right, Eleanor has murdered Alasdair. But not before recording this month's episode all about A. A. Milne's 1926 classic Winnie the Pooh. Will Eleanor be able to contain her disdain for the 1966 Disney movie? Will Alasdair's Alan Bennett impression comes out more like Les Dennis doing Mavis from Coronation Street? And are ANY Winnie the Pooh quotes genuine? In the words of A. A. Milne, "I pity the fool who gets on a plane."

Just like women be shopping, E. B. White. And White's 1952 novel Charlotte's Web is a blackly comical tear-jerker about a spider coming to the aid of a pig who doesn't want to be eaten. Are Eleanor and Alasdair fans of spiders? Or are we absolutely terrified of them? Well, what do you think? Based on everything you know about us, do you think we like spiders?

Eleanor and Alasdair step into the trousers of time, with Terry Pratchett's 1996 novel Johnny and the Bomb. Five inept British teens find themselves in World War Two with bags of time on their hands. Was Johnny and the Bomb "The Bomb"? Or will it bomb in our estimation? And who were the real baddies in WW2? (It was the Nazis.)

1957–1968 was a golden age of big cats breaking into kids' houses and smashing up the joint. For this episode, Eleanor & Alasdair read Dr Seuss's The Cat in the Hat and Judith Kerr's The Tiger Who Came to Tea. We aim to decide, scientifically, which of the two books is best (with absolutely no favouritism shown towards the one we obviously like more). Will we like the American one? Perhaps we'll find it much more fun? Of course, there's not much chance of that. 'Cos Eleanor hates that creepy cat.

Eleanor and Alasdair are fighting! Eleanor is in love with Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows, but for Alasdair... it's complicated. The 1908 classic is a tale of motorcars, misadventure and yearning glances on the riverbank. But is it really a kid's book? Or is it a boring work of art? Poop! Poop! Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

She's small. She's ginger. She's very hard to get out of your house. No, not Eleanor Morton. We're talking about Arietty Clock, the tiny teenage protagonist of Mary Norton's 1952 novel The Borrowers. The Borrowers are a diminutive people who love stealing almost as much as they love the British class system. But has this tale of curtain-climbing social climbers aged well? Find out in Series 2 of Eleanor & Alasdair Read That. Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

The stone table cracks and Eleanor & Alasdair return to Narnia. It's time to pass judgement on The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. Eleanor sings the praises of the dodgy beaver costumes in the 1988 BBC adaptation and Alasdair gets annoyed about a stupid kids' film for babies. But is C. S. Lewis's book a Turkish Delight? Or is it a Turkish Delight (derogatory)? We recommend you go back and listen to Part 1 before this episode. (Unless you're one of those people who thinks you should read The Magician's Nephew before the other Narnia books, and you prefer it when callbacks make no sense.) If you enjoyed this episode, why not buy us a single Toblerone: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

Always-winter-but-never-Christmas starts earlier every year, doesn't it? Eleanor and Alasdair read C. S. Lewis's furniture-based children's classic The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe (1950). And we've split this bumper Yuletide edition of the pod in two. In Part 1, we recount the story of Lucy's adventures in Narnia, in what a cynical person might call too much detail. We enjoy a platonic hot-tub with Santa. And, for some reason, George Bernard Shaw replaces Liam Neeson in Taken. We hope you enjoy this episode, and join us in Part 2, for a mixture of incisive literary analysis and some truly appalling New Zealand accents. Sorry, accints. Buy us a festive coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

Eleanor & Alasdair take you down to Watership City, where the grass is green and the girls are... hang on, where are all the girls? We read Watership Down, Richard Adams's 1972 epic. It's Brer Rabbit meets Mad Max, but does the novel live up to the movie's grisly reputation? Is it really a kids' book? And why do we keep singing the X-Men theme? Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

A boarding school for witches? Imagine that! No, not Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Bigotry. We're talking about Miss Cackle's Academy, from Jill Murphy's 1974 bestseller The Worst Witch. In this episode, Alasdair discovers the ropey TV Movie from 1986 and Eleanor learns that it's possible to identify with Mildred Hubble a bit too much. Will the Worst Witch make the grade? Can we avoid talking about Harry Bloody Potter? And did Eleanor's childhood bullies have a point, actually? Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

The Railway Children is an Edwardian children's classic and health & safety nightmare. Edith "E" Nesbit's novel is packed with unforgettable characters, railway mishaps and an exiled Russian dissident who no one remembers. In this episode, recorded live at the Edinburgh Fringe, we learn that trespassing on a train line is OK, as long as you're a middle-class child. Will the book withstand the edgy, late-night comedy of Eleanor and Alasdair? What will we learn about the inevitable triumph of international socialism? And exactly how sexy was Bernard Cribbins in the film? We won't take no charity from no one, but if you enjoyed this episode you can buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

Eleanor and Alasdair read The Story of Tracy Beaker. Jacqueline Wilson's 1991 hit has spawned numerous sequels and TV spin-offs, but Alasdair has missed out on all of them due to being a boy and man, in that order. The protagonist and narrator, Tracy Beaker, is an irrepressible kid in a care home and “the Millennial Holden Caulfield” (according to Eleanor). Will Eleanor's childhood nostalgia survive re-reading the book? Will Alasdair “get narked” at the weirdly 1970s dialogue? And WHEN will we start a spin-off podcast called Bed-wet Buddies? Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

We're all mad here. Specifically, Eleanor is mad about people saying Lewis Carroll wrote Alice's Adventures in Wonderland on drugs and Alasdair is mad about the Tim Burton film being rubbish. For this episode, we read Carroll's enormously influential 1865 novel, and we asked: do books actually need plots? Or will some 160 year-old puns do? Content Warning: We make allusions to the controversy surrounding Carroll, without going into detail. Buy us a coffee: ko-fi.com/readthat_podcast

Sickly, spoiled and terrified of the outside world, Eleanor and Alasdair read The Secret Garden. Frances Hodgson Burnett's kidlit classic is the story of an obnoxious little girl who goes to Yorkshire on her gap year and really finds herself. Is the book an ode to the healing powers of nature? Or is it a hippy-fascist self-help tract? And which film adaptation is best — the one Eleanor watched as a kid, or the steampunk Mormon version? Content Warning: References to ableism and British colonialism. And we inaccurately describe Yorkshire as "a big county" when it is, in fact, four counties.

Like a pair of creepy twins, Eleanor and Alasdair venture up Alderley Edge to meet the Wizard. We read The Weirdstone of Brisingamen, Alan Garner's 1960 folk horror classic. Is it too scary for kids, or just too scary for Alasdair? Did Eleanor really fall asleep at the end of the audiobook? And what, exactly, does a rustic Cheshire accent sound like? We simply don't know.

Eleanor and Alasdair read a Roald Dahl book about some absolutely horrid women. "Which one?" you quite reasonably ask. It's The Witches: a grotesquely funny revenge caper fuelled by 'stranger danger' anxiety. What do you do when a beloved children's author is a bit of a bigot? Which of Dahl's books scandalised nine-year-old Eleanor's schoolteacher? And exactly what accent was Anne Hathaway doing in the movie? Listen, and find out if The Witches really is a revolting classic or just a rotten stinker. Content Warning: References to antisemitism, misogyny & fatphobia. And we do impressions of the actor Bill Paterson.

Eleanor and Alasdair read The Tale of Peter Rabbit, the story of a semi-nude rabbit tormenting the Scotsman who killed his father. Beatrix Potter's first book was a world-wide smash hit, but is it actually good? And would it be improved by the addition of James Corden? Alasdair watched the movie, so you don't have to. Content Warning: Eleanor calls Squirrel Nutkin a c***.

Ha harr! Eleanor and Alasdair read Treasure Island by the Scottish writer Robert Louis Stevenson, who is Scottish. Treasure Island is a tale of deadly danger and dubious male role models — basically like social media today. It's a very famous story, but is it actually good? Will Jim Hawkins's adventure buckle your swashes? And is fifteen men on a dead man's chest just good maritime fun? Or a health and safety nightmare?