Pleasure Uprising: Desire, Attachment, and the Sex You Actually Want

I used to break up with the good ones. The kind, available, clearly-into-me ones. Not because I got bored. Because it made my skin crawl. I knew it was bad for me, but I didn't fully understand why I felt that way until I learned to feel worthy, twenty years later. This is the final episode in my series on attachment wounds and how they shape desire and relationship dynamics. Today's is the worth wound: the belief that love has to be earned. We talk about how this impacts relationships and, among other things, turns intimacy into performance instead of presence. In this episode: Where the worth wound gets built in childhood, even in loving families, and why high-achieving or scarcity-driven households produce it so reliably How it shows up differently in the body: sexual numbness or pain in people with vulvas, erectile difficulty or hypersexuality in people with penises, both tied to performance anxiety Why being fully wanted by someone who's clearly into you can feel like an ick instead of a relief, and what that reaction is actually protecting you from The two erotic pathways this wound creates, why playing with them can be healing if you know how to ask a partner for the right stuff, and how to tell which one your fantasies are running How this wound plays out in long-term relationships: testing partners, over-functioning, and the black hole dynamic where nothing your partner offers ever feels like enough The two-part practice for healing it: soothing the inner child parts that hold the not-enoughness, then practicing being instead of doing The sentence most worth-wound carrying people crave from themselves and their loved ones You are not required to perform your way into being loved. That was never the deal, even when it felt like it was. You get to just be wanted. Topics: feeling unworthy, attachment wounds, dissociating during sex, feeling numb during sex, performance anxiety men, people pleasing Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

She wanted more sex with her husband. She flirted. She invited him to bed. She was not subtle. And he had an entire set of moves for avoiding it. Staying up working late. Taking a very long shower and hoping she'd be asleep by the time he came to bed. Acting harried, a quick peck, roll over. He almost never said no out loud. He told me directly that he was avoiding saying it because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He thought that was the kind version. It was so much worse than a no would have been. Because what she was receiving, night after night, was not "not tonight." It was "I don't want you." Here's the punchline, straight out: a no and a rejection are not the same thing. A no is information about this moment. A rejection is the withdrawal of connection. Most of us have collapsed them into one thing, and it's costing us. In this episode: Why a no is just one piece of data about right now, and a rejection is something you do with your body and your attention The two reasons people overstate their no: not feeling entitled to say it, and never having seen it done well What the nonverbal rejection dance does to a relationship over time, and why invitations eventually stop happening altogether A four-step way to say no out loud and stay connected while you do it What to do if you're the one receiving it, because this is not a one-person job Why the desire for an orgasm and the desire for connection are different wants, and what happens when you conflate them Other ways of connecting, and why most of my clients turn out to want to feel wanted more than they want sex at any given moment (regardless of gender) You can say no as often as it's true. A no is a gift of trust. It's the rejection that does the damage, and those are two completely different dances. This episode will show you how to separate them. Topics: sexual rejection, saying no to sex, desire discrepancy, mismatched libido, responsive desire, feeling rejected by partner Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Picture someone who says yes to almost everything. They're helpful, they're loyal, they always show up. And yet there's always some reluctance. A headache. A tiredness. They take forever to get out the door. Underneath all that yes is a wagon load of resentment about being asked in the first place. This shows up in bed exactly the way it shows up everywhere else. They think they want intimacy. They say they want it, and they probably mean it. But when the moment comes, their body does something else. If you ask what changed, they may genuinely not know. This is episode four of the specific attachment wounds and erotic emotions series, and it's about what happens when a small child's no was not allowed. Around age two to five, we're supposed to discover that we get to decide things for ourselves, at least sometimes. When that gets squashed, or love is conditional on compliance, life turns into a series of obligations. The autonomy that never got a legitimate outlet goes underground into slowness, procrastination, and quiet resistance. A lot of people with this wound have to be allowed to say no before they can find a yes. Not as a preference. As a requirement. In this episode: Where the freedom wound comes from, and the two very different directions it goes depending on whether compliance actually earned love What it feels like from the inside, including the pride in enduring and the fury about having had to endure Why procrastination and slowness are the body's protest response, not a character flaw Why welcoming a partner's no is one of the most erotic things you can do, and why it's non-negotiable for this wound The paradox of chosen restraint, and why submitting to control you selected can feel like freedom Why dragging your partner into anything is the worst available strategy, and what to do instead How to start telling the difference between an obligated yes and a real one There is nothing wrong with you. This was a wise strategy for a small person who wasn't allowed to have preferences. You're allowed to have them now. Topics: sex feels like obligation, people pleasing in relationships, resentment in relationships, saying no, attachment wounds Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

A man came to me because his marriage was close enough to over that they'd both used the word divorce. Underneath the resentment and the withdrawal and the fights about everything else was this: his erections came and went. Sometimes they softened partway through. Sometimes they didn't show up. That is normal. It happens to men at every age. But he was so ashamed of it that he avoided sex with his wife for ten years. She had guessed, and she had told him more than once that it did not matter to her. He did not believe her. We solved it in about four sessions. None of the actual problems were about his penis. They were about the shame, the silence, the misdirected anger, and the avoidance. This is the third episode in my body shame series, and it's the one for people with penises. I'm giving you the real numbers on size, hardness, and duration, because they are nothing like what porn taught you. Then I'm going through each specific worry with a fix that gets you both more pleasure and less anxiety. In this episode: Where penis shame comes from, and what porn does to your subconscious when you don't get better information The actual average erect length, from clinician-measured data on over 55,000 men, plus what's normal variation (hint: 3" is as normal as 7") Why 85% of women are satisfied with their partner's size while only 55% of men are satisfied with their own, and what to do about size, regardless of yours The single change that solves lasting-longer anxiety better than any technique, and why stopping sex when you orgasm is the real problem Why 75 to 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and what that means for where your anxiety is aimed How performance anxiety physically restricts blood flow, and why you cannot will an erection into existence by worrying at it Specific fixes for size concerns, a genuinely small penis, erections that fluctuate, delayed ejaculation, aging, and lower desire What women consistently report actually caring about Your penis was never the problem. Don't spend any more years of your life creating unnecessary misery because of shame about it. Topics: erectile dysfunction anxiety, penis size, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, how to last longer, what women want in bed Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

I used to chase accomplishment hard, and I dismissed soft skills and people skills entirely — mostly because I had no idea how to do them. I'd put on this dissociated charm self when I met new people, which wasn't connection at all. It was a disarming move. If I could charm you first, you couldn't get to me. Underneath all of it was a deep fear of being publicly rejected. A close colleague of mine has the same wound and it looked nothing like that from the outside. Hers came out as passive aggression, eye rolls, indirect judgment, the quiet withdrawal of approval. Underneath: a deep fear of humiliation. Two different flavors of the same armor, both doing the same job of not letting anyone get close enough to make us feel small. This is episode three of the attachment wounds and erotic emotions series, and it's about the trust wound — what happens when your openness got used against you, and you concluded you'd never be in that position again. The paradox at the center of it: the erotic emotion people with this wound most often crave is the exact thing they've spent their lives defending against. In this episode: Where the trust wound comes from, and why humiliation specifically drives manipulation as a coping response The two developmental paths, depending on how old you were when it happened What it feels like from the inside, including the constant low-level tracking of who has power in a room Why the powerful poles — revered, dominant, worshiped, unattainable — show up as the obvious turn-ons, and what's often underneath them How this shows up in relationships: guilt tripping, triangulation, passive aggression, and pseudo-connection Why the vulnerability play that can heal this needs serious aftercare, and what happens if you get dropped What actually changed for both me and my colleague, including what she discovered was a real turn-on Vulnerability is not the thing that makes you vulnerable. Look around at how many people are working to avoid it. It isn't making them any safer. It's just keeping them from being known. Topics: fear of humiliation, why is it so hard to be vulnerable, passive aggressive relationship, invulverable Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Around 40, I realized I felt disgust about my own genitals. I'd been carrying middle school bullies' words about female bodies in my head for more than thirty years without ever once questioning them, and it wasn't until I started trying to reclaim my own sexuality that it smacked me in the face. It's very hard to feel pleasure in a part of your body you feel bad about. If any of that lands, you are in extremely good company, and I want you to know it is not personal, not yours alone, and not permanent. This episode covers where female genital shame comes from, why it's more layered than penis shame, and the exact four-step process I used to repair my own relationship with my vulva. Plus the myths worth dismantling on the way: that vulvas are dirty, that porn vulvas resemble real ones, and that "vagina" is the right word for the parts that actually give you pleasure. A scope note: this episode addresses cis women's experience specifically. Trans people with vulvas face distinct and important challenges with genital shame that deserve dedicated coverage, and I'm working with a trans colleague on a collaborative episode on that. In this episode: Where vulva shame comes from, and the strange contradiction at the center of it — women are the only sex with an organ that exists purely for our own pleasure Why middle school is so often where genital shame gets installed, and what's actually going on for the boys doing the installing The dirty myth, and why calling a vulva dirty makes about as much sense as calling a flower dirty Why porn vulvas aren't real-world vulvas, and how to normalize the actual range Vulva versus vagina, why the distinction matters for your pleasure, and how to pick language that works for you My four-step repair process: acknowledging the harm, normalizing through exposure, mirror work, and a daily gratitude practice The eviction exercise — identifying whose voice is actually in your head, and taking away their vote There is no downside to loving your genitals. None. And on the other side of that shame is considerably more pleasure than you currently have access to. Topics: vulva shame, genital shame, body shame, labia, women's pleasure Resource Links: https://www.labialibrary.org.au/labia_gallery/ https://www.all-vulvas-are-beautiful.com/ https://www.thevulvagallery.com Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

One partner wants sex constantly and can't understand why they're being refused. The other has quietly stopped wanting it at all and feels like they're constantly being pestered. Most people assume these two have opposite problems. Often times, they don't. They have the same challenge underneath, but they are coping in different ways. We're going beyond the standard "anxious or avoidant" here. Most of us learned early on whether care was something we could count on, and when the answer was unreliable, we did what smart, adaptive human children do: we picked a coping strategy and got very good at it. There are two main choices children make — pursue harder, or stop needing. Those two roads lead to very different adults, very different ways of existing in relationships, and very specific erotic desires. This episode will help you understand the challenges, drawbacks, opportunities, and desires that come from each path, and how to work with those to have better connections, easier relationships, and a more satisfying sex life. This is episode three of the attachment wounds and erotic emotions series, and the second one on specific wounds. In this episode: Where the dependency wound comes from, including causes that have nothing to do with bad parenting and everything to do with circumstances that made consistent attunement hard The two survival strategies it creates, and what each one actually feels like from the inside Why the under-dependent's deepest erotic craving is often identical to the over-dependent's, just buried under years of pretending it isn't there How both patterns land on a partner, in and out of bed Why over-dependents and under-dependents are drawn to each other, and why that match can go sideways fast What movement actually looks like for each, including the single most important thing an under-dependent can do before they quietly shut someone out for good Your needs are real. Both sides of this wound are just different ways of coping with the same early experience, and you can learn to count on care being there. Topics: anxious avoidant attachment, my partner never wants sex, sex feels like obligation, mismatched libido couples, desire discrepancy Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Body shame is pervasive, especially for women but increasingly for everyone, and it gets in the way of much more than how we feel in a swimsuit. It gets in the way of presence, pleasure, and our capacity for real connection. This is the first episode in a series I'm doing on body shame. If you've ever been so in your head about how you look that you couldn't stay present with a partner, or with yourself, this one is for you. I walk through where body shame actually comes from (spoiler: it's not truth, or you, that's the problem), the business model built on manufactured insecurity, the medical misinformation and racial history behind our cultural obsession with weight, and why shaming yourself has never once helped anyone change. I also share the exact steps I used to move from shame to neutral to genuinely loving my body. In this episode: Why body shame kills presence, pleasure, and desire, and why underconfidence itself isn't sexy Where body shame really comes from: family, culture, diet culture, and a patriarchy that built this by design, not by accident The advertising strategy behind manufactured insecurity, including research on exactly when women feel worst about themselves Debunking the medical myths: why BMI was never built to measure individual health, and why weight stigma itself, not weight, is the real risk factor The racial history behind fat phobia and Eurocentric beauty standards, and how that bias still shows up in medicine today Why shaming yourself has never once helped you change, and what your inner rebel is actually trying to tell you My own story of hiding my arms for years, and finally wearing tank tops without a second thought "Point positive," the whitewater kayaking principle I now use to retrain my brain out of shame spirals The exact steps for shifting from shame to neutral to genuinely believing you're lovable and attractive exactly as you are Topics: body image and sex, overthinking sex, get out of your head in bed, fatphobia, health at every size, mindset work for body image Resources mentioned: Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight, by Lindo Bacon, PhD https://lindobacon.com/health-at-every-size-book/ Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Part 2 of the Attachment Wounds & Erotic Emotions Series Maybe you have a tendency to intellectualize or spiritualize your experience, but not always fully feel it. Or maybe you can only really arrive in your body when something intense is happening. This episode is about how that happens, how it shapes your erotic needs and the way you show up in intimacy, and what to do about it, if you choose. The safety wound is the earliest developmental wound we're covering in this series. It shows up in desires, in relationship, and in sex, plus in every day life where people with this wound have a tendency to dissociate. This episode is Part 2 in the Attachment Wounds and Erotic Emotions series — if you haven't listened to Episode 130 yet, start there first. What Is the Safety Wound? Origins and Early Development The safety wound forms in the very first stage of life — from the womb through infancy, before language, and before verbal memory as we know it. The unmet need is fundamental: a sense that the world is safe to exist in, and that the body is a safe place to be. The causes can include traumatic birth, early separation from a birth mother through adoption or loss, time in a NICU, parental anxiety or depression, domestic chaos, overwhelming or unpredictable environments, or generational trauma. Often nothing was done consciously or intentionally. The body simply learned, very early, that being present was dangerous — and dissociation became the primary survival strategy. This is just a coping style, and it carries some challenges that can be worked with. In this episode: What the safety wound is, where it comes from, and why it forms so early — before language, before memory Why dissociation here is a brilliant survival adaptation, not a pathology — and how I recognized it in my own experience How this wound is named across Hakomi, NARM, and the Somatica Institute® framework — and why the older Freudian label is worth leaving behind What the safety wound feels like from the inside: the floating quality, the empathy overload, the pull toward intellectualizing and spiritual bypassing — and the deep current of pain, fear, or rage that often lives underneath How the safety wound shapes erotic desire through two pathways: resolution (craving calm, merged, held, contained, seen) and repetition with agency (craving intensity, edge, risk, primal) Why craving dangerous or intense experiences in a chosen context makes complete sense for this wound — and why felt safety is still the prerequisite, even for the edgy stuff What the safety wound looks like in relationships: the connection that arrives and quietly disappears, and what partners tend to experience in bed What healing looks like for this wound — embodiment first — and why somatic work is more relevant here than therapy or spirituality alone Companion resource for this series: The Wheel of Erotic Emotions → laurajurgens.com/wheel Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

That thing that turns you on but you've never quite been able to explain? Or the relationship dynamic you keep recreating? Those aren't random. And they aren't fully explained by your attachment style. This is the introduction episode for a series on attachment wounds and erotic desires. Before we get into the specific wound patterns, I'm laying the foundation — what attachment styles actually are, where they fall short, and how to understand attachment patterns beyond the standard (avoidant, anxious, disorganized or secure) boxes. We'll talk about how our childhood experiences and specific attachment wounds tend to lead to specific turn-ons. Plus, why that's good news and will help you de-shame your desires. In this episode: Why attachment styles are learned habits, not personality traits or life sentences How your attachment response shifts depending on who you're with, how they communicate, and the specific felt safety of that relationship Why the anxious/avoidant label doesn't capture the full picture — and what the deeper wounds underneath those patterns actually are A preview of the five developmental wounds this series explores: safety, dependency, trust, autonomy, and worth The core skills that underlie secure attachment — and why they're learnable, not fixed traits reserved for people who had easier childhoods How early unmet needs shape not just your relational patterns but your specific erotic desires — and why that connection makes complete sense once you see it Companion resource for this series: Dr. R. Chris Fraley's attachment quiz at yourpersonality.net/relstructures/ — the most useful tool I've found for understanding your patterns in the context of specific relationships, not just in the abstract The Wheel of Erotic Emotions — a visual map of common erotic emotions organized by category → laurajurgens.com/wheel Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

If you're searching for how to be a better lover, chances are you're encountering a lot of opinions that aren't rooted in fact. Most of us absorbed a version of what makes a great lover without ever being taught it — from movies, porn, romance novels, and a culture that never corrects those images with reality. The result is a subconscious checklist that includes perfect technique, the right body, spontaneous chemistry, and orgasms that look like movie scenes. And most of us are quietly measuring ourselves and our partners against it. Here's what the research actually says: none of that is what separates great lovers from everyone else. Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa spent years interviewing people having what she calls magnificent sex — the largest in-depth study of its kind — and what they described looks almost nothing like what we've been taught to aspire to. The traits that actually made the difference are learnable. And almost nobody is talking about them. In this episode: The cultural myths most of us are still measuring ourselves against — and why they're not just unhelpful, they're actively in the way All eight traits Dr. Kleinplatz found in people having truly magnificent sex, and what each one actually means in practice Why the cure for low desire isn't more desire for the sex you're already having — it's more desirable sex The book referenced in this episode is Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz: https://www.routledge.com/Magnificent-Sex-Lessons-from-Extraordinary-Lovers/Kleinplatz-Menard/p/book/9780367181376 Topics: what makes a great lover, magnificent sex research, low desire, low libido, somatic sex coach, intimacy coach, feminist sex coach, embodiment, erotic intimacy, sexual communication, be a better lover Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

You love your partner. You're pretty sure you're still attracted to them. So why does your body say no — and why does it feel so connected to the fact that you've reminded them three times this week to do one thing? It is connected. The slow creep of feeling like your partner's parent is one of the most consistent desire-killers I see in my practice. In this episode I'm breaking down the three forms it takes, where each one comes from, and what actually moves the needle — whether you're the one carrying the household or the one wondering why your partner never wants sex anymore. In this episode: The three patterns I see most: chore-based parenting, "good-boy syndrome," and anxiety-based reassurance-seeking — and how to recognize which one you're in Why your nervous system cannot be in caretaking mode and erotic mode at the same time, and why wanting to want your partner isn't enough to override that The flip side: why the person in the "child role" often has high desire and gets stuck in a loop they can't see from the inside Where this comes from — work-life balance issues, patriarchy and male learned helplessness on one end; the developmental roots of not being able to self-soothe on the other Why the frustrated-complaints approach keeps not working — and what I've seen actually work instead What moving out of this dynamic looks like, depending on which side of it you're on Topics: parenting your partner, desire killer, low libido, not attracted to partner, emotional labor, mental load, resentment and desire, nervous system and sex drive, somatic intimacy coach, intimacy coach, relationship coach, male learned helplessness, self-soothing, attachment anxiety Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Most people who are experimenting with power play and BDSM aren't doing anything extreme. They're just two people who trust each other, trying to "spice it up." But skipping the negotiation conversation because it feels like it has to be a mood killer is a rookie move that can lead to real problems. I'm not talking bruises here, I'm talking about emotional distance, shut down, and loss of libido. This episode is built around a real couple — smart, communicative, good at relationships — who did years of power play without ever having a proper negotiation conversation, because they both assumed that trusting each other was enough. It wasn't. The fallout was a sexless relationship, nervous system shutdown, and a lot of hurt that took real work to untangle. I want to help you avoid that entirely. Whether you're using restraints, doing impact, or just soft-topping: the negotiation is the first scene. Done right, it's not a clipboard and a liability waiver — it's where the anticipation starts, where you find out what your partner actually wants, where you start co-creating something that's going to be really, really good. This episode is about how to do that. In this episode: Why smart, aware people keep skipping BDSM negotiation — and what it actually costs them What subspace is, why your prefrontal cortex goes offline in it, and why that means the bottom has to be an architect of the negotiation, not a passenger The real difference between topping/bottoming and dom/sub dynamics (and why accidentally agreeing to the wrong one causes relationship problems) How to make the negotiation desire-forward, not just limit-focused — starting with how you want to feel, who you want to be, and what energy from a partner opens you up Why aftercare isn't an afterthought, and how to talk about it before you play Where to find real community and credible resources if you want to go deeper Whether you're kink-curious or have been playing for years, this one's worth your time. Resources mentioned: Yes, No, Maybe Lists from various sources (pick your favorite): Babeland: https://www.babeland.com/babe-blog/how-tos/yes-no-maybe/ Bex Caputo: https://www.bextalkssex.com/yes-no-maybe/ Sunny Megatron: https://sunnymegatron.com/consent-sexual-boundaries-yesnomaybe/ Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Sexual self-abandonment is what happens when we stop having sex for ourselves. We may or may not actually stop having sex -- we might be doing it for someone else. For their desire, on their timeline, their idea of what sex should look like, while our own wants, our own pace, our own boundaries quietly went missing somewhere along the way. That's what this episode is about. How we get there — there are three really common pathways, and I've lived through all three myself — and more importantly, how to find your way back to your own body, your own desires, and your own pleasure. This episode is about hope, and about a door that's still open to you no matter how long you've been on the other side of it. In this episode: The three pathways into sexual self-abandonment — through approval-seeking, through abusive relationships, and through trauma and dissociation — and why they so often overlap Why "sacred sexuality" group spaces can actually be dangerous if you haven't done this work yet The six steps back to yourself, including the grief that's part of the process (and why that grief is a good sign, not a setback) What it actually means to come home to your own body, your own erotic self, and your own yes and no — and why that's the foundation everything else gets built on Topics: sexual self-abandonment, somatic sex coaching, sexual trauma recovery, de-shaming, erotic self, intimacy coach, body-based healing, dissociation, reconnecting with your body, feminist sex coach Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

It's Pride Month, and I am celebrating with my dear friend and fellow feminist relationship coach Maggie Reyes by doing something I've been wanting to do anyway: sit down and talk about Heated Rivalry — the show, the books, why we love them, and what they actually teach us about real relationships. Beware: There be spoilers ahead, matey. This is a fun one, and it goes deeper than fangirling. Maggie and I both coach on many of the dynamics this show depicts — vulnerability, shame, the cost of hiding your real desires, and what happens when someone finally has the courage to go first. We talk about how we can all learn from this show through that lens. In this episode: Why the closet dynamic in Heated Rivalry is a perfect illustration of how shame works, and how to heal it Turning toward vs. turning away: what Shane and Ilya get right (eventually) and what costs them years What Scott and Kip's relationship models that most couples never figure out Why vulnerability requires someone going first — and how to do it without it backfiring The cottage episode as a masterclass in why time and play matter as much as hard conversations What women's response to this show tells us about desire, representation, and who mainstream sexual culture has never been built for The communication pitfall that we both want to warn you off Maggie Reyes is a master certified life coach, feminist marriage coach, and host of the Marriage Life Coach podcast. Find her at maggiereyes.com . Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

If you've been wondering whether your sex life can actually be different, this is the evidence. This episode is like the before and after photos you've been needing that real people get real change. We're going into details about specific goals and what actually changes when people do real, structured work on desire, intimacy, and connection. Not inspiration. Not theory. Real people, real goals, real numbers — tracked from start to finish. In this episode: What people who come to somatic intimacy coaching actually say they want — and how many have already tried therapy, books, and everything else Why going from a 1 to an 8 in fulfillment on "fun, enjoyable sex" in six months is possible even when you've never been there before How desire discrepancy works when both partners get support — and why it's never just one person's problem What shifts for higher-desire partners who struggle with self-worth Why coaching moves the needle when other approaches haven't — and what the Pleasure Path Method actually looks like step by step Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

You've solved harder problems than this. So why is this one still stuck? This episode is for the high achievers who have done real work on themselves — the therapy, the books, the hard conversations — and still can't get traction when it comes to desire, intimacy, and their closest relationships. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough. It's because you've been using the wrong tools for the wrong system. In this episode: Why capable, self-sufficient people are often the last to get help with intimacy — and why that costs them the most The cultural lie that you're supposed to just know how to do sex and relationships (and why it makes zero sense) Top-down vs. body-up: why cognitive tools and talk therapy can't reach what's actually stuck Why "trying harder" and "knowing more" can fool you into thinking they'll eventually work for everything What somatic, body-based work actually reaches — and what changes when you find the right tool for the real problem Topics: high achievers, intimacy, somatic sex coaching, low libido, desire, nervous system, body shame, sex therapy, intimacy coach, relationship help Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

Most people who feel disconnected from their desire, their body, or their partner aren't broken. They're just exiled — from themselves. And nobody ever taught them the way back. This episode is about what it actually feels like when you find it. The felt sense of coming home to your own body's sexuality — as a resource, a grounding force, and the place from which real confidence, real connection, and real intimacy become possible. I was skeptical this even existed. Then my teacher demonstrated it on me with nothing but eye contact — and my body responded before my brain could catch up. In this episode: What sexual energy actually is — grounded, demystified, no woo required Why most of us have it locked away (and what that actually feels like from the inside) The breathwork and mind-body practice that opened it up for me — and how I now use it with clients What becomes possible from this place: confidence, connection, intensity, and desire that doesn't require performance Why this isn't something you have to earn or learn from scratch — you already have it A note on group settings, charismatic facilitators, and who this actually belongs to (you) If you've ever felt like you were performing intimacy instead of inhabiting it — this one's for you. Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

You don't have to join a compound to end up in a high-control group. Sometimes it starts with a neo-tantra festival. A weekend workshop. A community that feels like finally, finally, you found your people. Anke Richter is an international cult journalist, author of the bestseller Cult Trip (HarperCollins), and founder of Decult — the first cult awareness conference in Australasia. She spent six years inside ISTA (International School of Temple Arts) before becoming one of its most informed critics. She's also researched Centrepoint, Osho/Rajneeshpuram, and OneTaste firsthand. This is Part 2 of a series. Start with the previous episode "The Men Behind Sexual Polarity Have A Lot to Answer For" — or read the full article on Substack (link below). In this episode: Why smart, educated, well-resourced people end up in cults — and the myth that it couldn't happen to you What actually makes something a high-control group (and why "you can leave any time" doesn't disqualify it) How ISTA and similar neo-tantra spaces specifically target ex-evangelicals and ex-Mormons leaving purity culture The slippery slope from a weekend workshop to deeper entanglement — and what the escalation actually looks like Osho/Rajneeshpuram as the ideological origin of modern neo-tantra — and the documented child sexual abuse that history includes The playbook: how spiritual framing gets used to override consent and silence complaints "Acting from your wounding" and "stuck in victim consciousness" — the specific language used to shut down resistance The veneer of consent: why trauma-informed language and consent frameworks can be used as cover Why the word "victim" gets weaponized in these spaces — and why that needs to stop How David Deida's sexual polarity ideology functioned as a gateway into neo-tantra spaces for a generation of people, and why it is harmful Resources mentioned: Cult Trip by Anke Richter — available wherever books are sold Anke Richter: https://ankerichter.net Decult — cult awareness conference and resources: https://decult.net Red Flags in Workshops — free consent-forward resource for participants and facilitators: https://redflagsinworkshops.com Part 1 — Have You Been Sold the Patriarchy's Version of "The Divine Feminine" ? https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchys Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.

If you've ever left a sacred sexuality workshop feeling worse about yourself than when you walked in — or heard a friend blame herself for not being "receptive enough" — this episode is for you. Sexual polarity teachings are everywhere right now. They promise to unlock your feminine energy, reignite desire, and deepen connection. Sounds great. The reality is different. They're built on a foundation of made-up science, cultural theft, and a paper trail that leads somewhere deeply problematic. They are also actively causing harm. In this episode I'm mapping exactly where this ideology came from, who's profiting from it, and what it's actually doing to women's desire, relationships, and sense of self — because I see the damage in my practice every single day. In this episode: Why "sexual polarity" isn't ancient wisdom or real science — and how it borrows language from physics to sound legitimate David Deida, Tony Robbins, and Deepak Chopra — the men profiting and what their paper trail actually shows The Osho/neo-tantra origins: why the history of this ideology goes back to documented child sexual abuse in cult communes Why the OneTaste sentencing matters — and what Nicole Daedone's case tells us about who enforces patriarchal ideology What women are actually hungry for that polarity coaching hijacks and exploits The difference between genuine erotic power play and a grooming script dressed as spirituality How to recognize a genuinely qualified practitioner — and what red flags look like in these spaces This is part one of a two-part series. Next episode I'm joined by journalist and cult researcher Anke Richter, author of Cult Trip , for a conversation on sex cults, ISTA, and the darker end of this spectrum. Resources mentioned: Full article with sources and resources: https://open.substack.com/pub/laurajurgens/p/have-you-been-sold-the-patriarchys?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web Barbara Carrellas' Urban Tantra: barbaracarrellas.com Midori on consent-forward BDSM: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaxv6fBRPDep5NIrLfjEUNzmPtY4Ax5CN Send Laura Fan Mail Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide More links: Substack at https://laurajurgens.substack.com/ Wheel of Erotic emotions, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel Copyright notice: All content in this podcast is copyrighted and copying, scraping, data mining, or using the content to train AI is prohibited.