If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because John, merritt and Niki definitely are!!!!! It's time for the new season to start and that means YOU get a one-way trip to the end zone for a podcast jam-cracked full of insights, predictions and postulations about that dang ol' pigskin. FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

merritt, John and Niki discuss Tom, Jerry, and the importance of family. Also I think Mike Meyers is in there somewhere. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Okay yes, we can't act like it doesn't happen: Niki, merritt and John talk about Grand Theft Auto 6 on this episode. But it's not the only thing they talk about! Please!! You have to understand!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

But really, how much can Frasier Crane Dot Com possibly cost? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Folks, it's a full Nightbane episode. That's right, if you for some reason aren't aware or haven't listened to the bonuses, Merritt frequently has Niki and John playing legally-distinct-from-Clive-Barker's- Nightbreed tabletop role-playing game Nightbane in bonus episodes. This full episode is just a long version of that, complete with character creation and a short campaign. Do you like how Niki and John played? Do you like Lizard Caplan and Jenna? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Could this be the final White Off ever??? Is this the longest Gimmick Month in If You're Driving history?????? To answer these questions and many more, please listen to the episode. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gimmick Month continues with all the car-related fun you can pack into one hour. Come travel the highways and byways with us. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gimmick Month continues with Normal Week, the most regular week of the show to date. It's very "business as usual" hours in here this episode, so don't be surprised if things are exactly how you expect them to be. It's normal! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gimmick Month continues with the return of Smooth Week, back after a long absence for reasons we're just not gonna get into! How will Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) match up against Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) in this year's head-to-head battle? And did you remember to do your homework? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gimmick Month continues with Teen Week , where Niki, John and merritt not only embody the teens of today, but also try and reformat the show to be more appealing to the dozens of teens out there listening to podcasts. Is GTA overrated? Are you on Glimber? Where are all of our dads? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's once again time for Gimmick Month, the five-week experience where this show has some sort of coherent theme or premise, totally unlike how it normally is! This week's theme: What's the best week of the year? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fresh from a theater with a very peculiar bathroom, merritt, John and Niki discuss the latest entry in the Toy Story franchise, how "toy" is determined and who decides what gets sentience, kid brain osmosis, Toy of the Year in 2001, Bionicles, Z-Bots, and somehow, additional things that aren't toys. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey!!! We decided to make this week's Patreon-exclusive bonus episode available to everyone, just to give y'all a little taste of what you're missing out on. If you liked this, there's tons more bonus content already waiting for you at https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving ! Okay bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

merritt, John and Niki investigate what little remains of the world of soap operas, before moving on to the roller coaters of Dubai, "British Linus," knife training videos, Brazil Dot Com, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With Jordan back on the sticks, Niki, merritt and John attempt to tackle their biggest responsibility of the year: Planning for Gimmick Month. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Drivey note: this week's episode has been untouched by the loving hands of producer Jordan Mallory. John is much worse at Jordan's job than Jordan is, so please forgive this week for any audio issues or snafus. This week, John bravely asks the question "what if we gave just a few minutes to acknowledge the straights" to Merritt and Niki on this, the first day of Pride (at least when we recorded it). Explore straight history and culture with us, including the idea that fearing planes, like John Madden, makes you a little gay. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week merritt, John and Niki do an extended Star Wars goof (I don't think any of these spoilers are real, but who can say, really? I sure as shit didn't watch that movie), before moving on to greener, less celestial pastures, including any date between 2000 and 2010, a specific guy running for governor of California, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This week Niki, John and merritt discuss their shower habits, the contents of the Nickelodeon time capsule, skinned Grogu, the premise of 1997 ABC television series Teen Angel , the ending of Full House, and gang? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Niki is out this week, but merritt and John still find plenty to talk about in the meantime. Well, by "plenty" I mean mostly Tim Allen, but there's some other stuff in there too! Netbooks, Destiny 2 nightmares, child actors and their fates, reverse engineering the plot of Pixels -- there's more going on here than just Tim Allen. I'll be honest though, lotta Tim Allen in this one. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

John, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.