In the Moment with Mamoon

QUESTION: Salaam, I have a question regarding this 'optimal spouse' thing. Can an optimal spouse be one that brings you closer to Allah through the difficulties you have to deal with due to them? As a reult of there behaviour/character? Or is it only if you are content with them and everything more or less 'clicks'? What is the interpretation of an 'optimal spouse'? ANSWER: For context, the sister asking this question has been married for decades and has a good number of children - some fully grown and some still young.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace & blessings upon him) was not concerned with his followers falling for literal idolatry. The Oneness of Allah just makes far too much sense and it's unthinkable that anyone who believes in the Quran would literally start intentionally worshipping something else. However, subtle forms of idolatry, like showing off (i.e. valuing what other people think more than Allah) and other diseases of the heart can be devastating to the soul. Perhaps one of the most subtle forms is what I call, "Psychological Idolatry".

There is one insight that I've been blessed to discover and that I've introduced thousands of people to, that has perhaps made the biggest impact on my personal life. I call it, "The Psychological Switch", and when you discover it for yourself, you'll find yourself experiencing much, much more: Inner freedom, presence, peace, joy, happiness, courage, attractiveness and confidence.

The goal for the believing Muslim is to purify our hearts. The way to do that is by clearing from our minds any thoughts of anything but Allah, the Transcendent. In other words, we want to be in a constant state of mindfulness of Allah - aka. "Zikr Allah".

After over 15 years of full-time coaching with people from all walks of life to overcome all kinds of challenges that the nafs presents - in their professional, personal and spiritual lives - I can safely say, the answer is a resounding... "YES!" Clients who had life-long patterns of self-sabotage, or seemingly irreconcilable marital issues - completely dissolved them. Forever. All thanks to spontaneously and permanently dropping ego-patterns. (In fact, you can check out a few of their testimonials on the page linked below). It turns out that there are a handful of specific teachings, methods, insights and techniques that work for everyone and that make a HUGE difference in the 'battle' against the ego.

Today marks the 21st anniversary of 56 totally innocent Londoners being killed for absolutely no logical reason, by 4 misguided and frankly, really, really bad Muslims, who detonated bombs in 3 underground tubes and one double decker bus. I say 'really bad' Muslims, because you don't need to be a genius or a saint to read the Quran and realise that killing innocent people will lead you into Hell… NOT Heaven. 52 people of 18 nationalities were killed and nearly 800 were injured in the attacks. Plus the 4 attackers who committed suicide as part of the attack. Take a moment to let that sink in.

Most of us are walking around all day long, tuned in to Radio Station NST (Non-Stop Thinking). We're constantly playing a soundtrack and watching mind-movies in our heads. Some of these mind-movies and day-dreams seem innocent enough… but they often turn dark and soon become nightmares that fill us with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, guilt and other forms of negativity. Trying to out-work, out-pray or out-recite your nafs-based thinking is a losing battle, because your nafs is right there with you as you do those activities - trying to sabotage and distract you at every turn.

Question: I've been practicing the presence techniques you teach, but I'm only able to stay in that state for a few seconds. Maybe for a minute if I try really hard. How can I stay present for longer? The so-called "techniques" I teach to become present are simply doorways or portals into a profoundly deep spiritual state. There are two main reasons that explain why our minds are so noisy that it seems hard to stay in this beautiful state of "Thoughtless Awareness".

There are a lot of mindset techniques that you can learn that are designed to help you feel better when you're feeling bad. What they all have in common is that they involve changing your thinking when you feel bad. Obviously, a negative feeling comes directly from negative thinking, and if you change the way you think, you'll automatically change the way you feel.

As someone who became obsessed with personal development in my late teens and early twenties, I came across a lot of techniques on how to clear up or change negative thinking and feeling. I learned about: neuro-linguistic programming neuro-associative conditioning Gestalt therapy family systems therapy Logo-therapy Cognitive behavioral therapy and many, many more modalities

One of the most powerful methods I've ever learnt (and now teach all of my coaching clients), which makes the biggest difference for everyone is… "The Inner Salam Method". The Inner Salam Method is a way of channeling your presence and awareness into a negative feeling, no matter how intense it is, as it arises. Within a few minutes, the feeling has literally completely disappeared.

As soon as clients start getting good at becoming instantly present at will and at using the "Inner Salam Method", some variation of the following question almost always comes up: "I can't seem to stay present when [insert mean relative's name] is in the room and starts saying things like [insert mean comment]..." And that should come as no surprise. Now, the simplest solution to this is obviously logistical. If there's a mean person around, it's usually a good idea to be somewhere else and not interact with them at all.

Have you ever lashed out at someone when you're angry? Or shouted at the kids or other people when you're really upset? Here's a way you can deal with these situations more elegantly in future… Let me start by saying not all emotional outbursts are "bad" or "wrong" or need to be eliminated. Sometimes the most heart-felt truths come out in moments of intense emotion. Plus, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with any feeling.

There's a classic scene from one of the best movies of all time. In "The Terminator" (the original one), Kyle Reese, who was sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor, has a little dialogue with her where he's trying to explain the gravity of the threat and danger she's in. Kyle Reese: "Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!" Sarah Connor: "Can you stop it?"

There are a few different ways you can define and compare the different types and levels of the Nafs. I prefer to keep things super simple and relatable. Here is how I break down the three levels of the nafs as inspired and defined by Quranic terminology.

Waswasa has to be one of my all-time favourite Arabic words. Because it sounds exactly like what it is. It's a demonic, satanic "whisper". We are taught in the Islamic tradition that not all of your thoughts are your own. In fact, there are four sources of thoughts: Rabbani (Divine) - those thoughts that Allah blesses you with - where you feel suddenly compelled to do something good Malakani (Angelic) - these are beautiful, angelic inspirations. I believe all writers and artists completely depend on these. Shaytani (Satanic) - these are demonic suggestions, or 'waswasa'. ie. Really bad thoughts about doing really bad things. Nafsani (Egoic) - these are compulsive thoughts that come from your own ego.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be teaching the first Nafs Mastery Session. But it's okay, please relax... You don't need to panic! There's still plenty of time for you to sign up if you want to attend the session live ;O) The theme of tomorrow's session is "The 7 Portals into Presence".

One of the biggest problems with the spiritual path, and with self-improvement in general is that it's really hard to measure your level of progress. How do you know if you're actually any closer to Allah than you were yesterday? We usually try to judge it by our behaviour… and then pretty soon end up either beating ourselves up or feeling superior to others (...aaaand the nafs wins again!) That's why I've created a super-easy Nafs Mastery Assessment. It's not perfect, but it asks you questions that you probably hadn't thought of that gives an indication as to how much your ego/ nafs is running your life, without you being aware of it. www.mamoonyusaf.com/nafs

A couple of weeks ago, to Piers Morgan's delight, a clip of him interviewing Russel Brand went viral. Because it was hilarious. The poor guy seems to be experiencing the 'new convert energy' syndrome, where he's super enthusiastic about his new found (Christian) faith, but also a little insecure and eagerly wanting to share the word of God with the people. He brought his copy of the Bible with him to the interview and Piers asked him if he'd like to share the verse he was reflecting on while in court. Brand eagerly reached for the Bible and started flicking through pages, searching for the verse he wanted to share.

After over 15 years of coaching, I'm going to let you in on a secret. There is something that happens in almost every single coaching session, at the moment the client has a breakthrough: They drop their nafs. For real. "Insight is when the ego collapses over a particular subject", as mentioned in the book, 'Inside the Soul of Islam'. What does that look like in real-life?