Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

Richard Christiansen is the founder of Flamingo Estate and a dear pal of mine. Today, we’re talking (in part) about the stories that led to his new book, Flamingo Estate Pleasure Principles. We get into: our love of witches, why Richard thinks we’re experiencing a crisis of beauty (and what he does about it), the concept of a victory garden, the unexpected provenance of things like the California naval orange, and his take on chasing pleasure. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“ It’s just incredibly hard to really resist these forces that are, you know, probably from evolution, that we adapt to our circumstances,” says psychologist Angela Duckworth, PhD. “But once you have that insight, then you realize that you do have to shape your circumstances before they shape you.” In her new book Situated, Duckworth (who wrote the #1 New York Times bestseller Grit) reveals the often hidden ways that situational elements affect us, and she maps out optimistic strategies for sometimes changing our environment and sometimes improving the situations in our lives. In our conversation, she also shares some funny and enlightening psychology findings that help explain why we can be so different across different settings, and why our expectations of ourselves are socially determined. And toward the end, she offers an alternative approach to effortfully pursuing our goals—which does not involve suffering, and which is actually more effective (go figure!). For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This month’s solo episode is mostly about what I think will come of all the AI generation, the fabrication of viral moments, and the latest iteration of marketing that we’re starting to see through. And why I think where we’re headed is mostly good for us. I’m also answering questions about how I personally use AI, as well as why I chose to move from Substack to Beehiv, and some little quirky things I’m hosting that you can join. But first, I’ll share a quick (positive!) health update, and what I’ve learned from Dr. Lucy McBride about how we tend to fall into different patient archetypes. For the show notes and more details about the events and such I mention, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“ I think these resources are good because it gives you the language and the tools to do something that doesn’t necessarily feel right,” says Stephanie Wittels Wachs, author of Last Day. Steph also hosts a podcast by the same name and is the cofounder and CEO of Lemonada Media (the podcast network I’ve been with for the last year or so). I’m so grateful to Steph for sharing a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on addiction, and for creating a vital guide for living with addiction, for connecting with loved ones who have this disease, for saving more lives—and for evolving our culture more broadly, which is so needed. Also for the warmth and humor with which Steph does this all! I’ve covered addiction a lot on Pulling the Thread, so I’m compiling all the resources (including Steph’s book) in the show notes on my site: eliseloehnen.com. Get 50% off Monarch, the all-in-one financial tool, at monarch.com with code THREAD. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chloe Redmond Warner is a very talented interior designer—and one of my closest childhood friends. To celebrate the launch of her special book This Must Be the Place, which is about how to design a home with personality, I got to interview Chloe at Godmothers bookstore. This episode is adapted from our live conversation, in which Chloe is her usual hilarious and brilliant self. She shares some of the fun house projects she’s done over the years, including one named Little Women on Acid. We talk about the value of aesthetic intelligence; Chloe’s process of making a house feel like a home; why she forced herself to finish her degree in architecture from Harvard’s Graduate School of Design; and her theory regarding the equalness of art, architecture, and decoration. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

David Epstein is a journalist and the #1 New York Times–bestselling author of Inside the Box (which we’re talking about today), Range, and The Sports Gene. He tells some fascinating stories that he uncovered during his research that challenge or complicate a lot of cultural perceptions about: freedom (often, sadly, the death knell of creativity!), originality and innovation (turns out there is an optimal level of newness), famous moments of insight and breakthrough (these surprised me), and the relationship between constraints and personal satisfaction (might surprise you).  For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Claude Steele is a social psychologist, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, and the author of Churn: The Tension That Divides Us and How to Overcome It. Churn refers to the stress we often feel in diverse settings in everyday life; it’s the psychological reaction to being under identity threat—which is something we can all experience based on any myriad number of identity factors. Steele explains how churn can be an insidious and debilitating force in our personal lives, and he explains why the most effective way to approach churn is by building trust in a given situation. (While obviously Steele isn’t in support of prejudices of any kind, he doesn’t think the antidote here is to eliminate prejudice—and I think you’ll find his reasoning interesting.) For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you’ve been tuning into July’s special series of sorts, thank you, and I hope you’ve also been enjoying revisiting these conversations from the archives, or maybe you’re discovering them for the first time. Today, we have a big one with Jungian analyst James Hollis, PhD, who is the author of many, many books that are incredibly meaningful to me. And this conversation still lives up to how much I love his work. I actually cried at one point during our chat, which more or less revolves around how we go about finding our soul’s vocation. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I’m thrilled to be back on the podcast mic again—I’ve been healing from a double mastectomy and I’m doing well! Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of me. This update covers: the surgery experience, the energy healers and lymphatic masseuse I’ve been working with, a few essential things I bought for the recovery phase, something my friends did that was a huge help, and the mini revelations that have come to me during this sabbatical of sorts. I’m sharing a bit from the Omega retreat that I hosted with Satya Doyle Byock, a Jung story that set me straight, synchronicities from an oracle deck that I love, and what I’m up to next—now that I’ve realized I cannot out-robot the robots. For the show notes—including the healer guide—head to eliseloehnen.com (my new site is finally live!). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This special episode initially ran early in 2025 but I wanted to bump it up for those of you who missed it and also because I honestly think Richard Rohr is worthy of a re-listen. If you’re not already familiar with Richard Rohr, he’s a wonderful Franciscan friar, the founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, and one of my most profound teachers. I really loved and highly recommend his book The Tears of Things: Prophetic Wisdom for an Age of Outrage. In this conversation, he helps us to make sense of disorder, evil, anger, and grief—while also helping us to truly grow. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gabor Maté, MD, is renowned for his work on addiction, stress, trauma, and understanding and healing from illness. He has written several books, including The Myth of Normal. As part of a special series of sorts this month, I’m turning back to a conversation I had with him a few years ago about his perspective on the relationship between how we live, the culture we live in, and our health. For the show notes, head to eliseloehnen.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I believe this is the most-listened-to episode ever on Pulling the Thread. It’s a conversation that I had with therapist Esther Perel in 2023 that still stands to this day—but that’s Esther for you. I think it also highlights how difficult it remains for many of us to get comfortable with conflict in our relationships, and to disagree and even fight, productively, with someone else. Whether you tend to avoid friction or go up in flames—or have a partner who does one or the other—I think you’ll find Esther’s framing compelling. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, friends. For those who are interested, I’m saying more about this in my solo episodes, but as I was preparing to recover from a non-life-threatening (and yet major) health surgery, I spent some time thinking about what would be meaningful to share with you all for the next few weeks or so. And I landed on a shortlist of conversations that I’ve had on Pulling the Thread over the years that resonated with listeners, that stuck with me, and that feel ever more relevant today, and worthy of a first-time listen now—and even a re-listen. First up is my conversation with everybody’s favorite palliative medicine physician, BJ Miller. BJ has become a dear friend of mine and I find his approach to fear and the unknown to be incredibly helpful in so many aspects of life—from relationships to career to contemplating our larger purpose. This episode originally ran at the very end of 2021, which seems hard to believe for me! I hope you still love it, too. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I spent the past month largely recovering from a (successful) double mastectomy—it was very intense, and I also had amazing care, from my team at UCLA, and from my family and friends. I am healing well and my prognosis couldn’t be better—I’m very lucky that intervention was early and I am not fighting for my life. I recorded this episode before my surgery—I did this for a number of reasons: to record the process of navigating options, to highlight where the big fear pockets were for me, and also to work through a second diagnosis, that’s scary-sounding but also in hand. If you’ve faced something like this—or are fearful of facing something like this—I hope my thought process is helpful. In last month’s episode (“Taking Your Foot Off the Gas”), I talked a bit about needing a sabbatical—and this is why. I appreciate all of you so much—thank you for continuing to listen to Pulling the Thread while I take some time to take care of myself. I'm very grateful for your support. For the show notes and full transcript, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mark Wolynn is a pioneer in the field of inherited family trauma, the director of the Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, and author of the recently updated classic It Didn't Start with You (there’s also now a companion workbook). I find his work endlessly fascinating. Here, he helps us see how inherited family trauma, attachment trauma, and unconscious loyalty is often unknowingly affecting our lives—and, importantly, what we can do about it to make positive change in our lives now, and for future generations. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

After the shocking end of her marriage, Belle Burden chose not to let herself get erased. Today, we talk about what she chose instead and the person she’s evolved into since writing her stunning memoir Strangers. Burden reminds me that while we can’t always understand why people do what they do, we can learn to live tethered to our own truth. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had so much fun reading psychologist Paul Eastwick’s book Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection. A lot of his work reveals the enduring myths that are engrained in our culture and our minds about attraction, compatibility, gender differences, and relationships—and why these myths have been somewhat mistakenly connected to evolutionary psychology. The way he debunks these myths is so helpful, and also very entertaining, I think, whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship. Today, he shares some great hot takes on the apps; the significance (or not!) of first impressions, what’s behind compatibility and lasting attraction, how same-sex friends work, infidelity risk factors—and much more. For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“That’s the kind of story, that's the kind of image that I'm talking about—that really just sinks into you and won’t let go,” says psychologist Sharon Blackie. Today, Blackie returns to discuss her new book Ripening: Why Women Need Fairytales Now. Once again, her perspective is helping me make sense of who we are at different stages of our lives. Sharon's first episode on Pulling the Thread: "How to Fully Engage with the Rest of Your Life" For the show notes, head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“We’re all addicted to light,” says Andrew Holocek, author of Total Eclipse of the Mind: Unleashing the Power of Darkness for Creativity, Healing, and Transformation. “We’re all light junkies in the deepest possible way. And so because we're so lost in the light, blinded by the light, that I think the pendulum is swinging back. And there's a deep intimation, it may be inarticulate for a number of people—why so many people are simultaneously attracted and repulsed by the darkness, of what it represents.” Today, Holocek (who has been meditating for 50 years and doing dark retreat for 30) shares how to dip your toe into dark practice, a soothing way of framing fear, and a glimpse into what each of us might find in the dark.  For the show notes (including a link to the masks we talk about), head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As I’m heading into a series of initiations, I’m sharing a few challenges (opportunities!) that I’m sure many of you are familiar with: our struggle to prioritize ourselves, worrying over what will happen if I slow down, wanting to have faith in myself in the way that I have faith in other people and in the world. In this month’s solo episode, I’m also sharing a bit about my upcoming move from Substack to Beehiv, a sabbatical of sorts that I’m taking, and what’s coming up on the podcast. You can hear my subsequent update here: "A Life Update" For the show notes, you can head to my website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices